*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
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I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.