Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
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I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense