Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
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I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head