My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
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*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Jurassic park gets weird
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to