REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
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“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.