[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
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“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
I didn’t come here to be called names
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice