I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
You Might Also Like
How to woo a woman
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you