When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
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when someone compliments me
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Finally, a door that understands me
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one