*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
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Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Try and stop me.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃