I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
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I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
mechanics be like
won’t smith
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses