10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
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Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Yeah. This was me today.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter