@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
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I’m not stressed
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
March 16
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
My spirit animal is fried chicken