When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
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DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
#Caturday
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
I hope your spoon slides into your soup