My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
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The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.