When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
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The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
this is me
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.