I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
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life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
How is it still this week?
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
man i love columbo
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]