Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
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Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down