kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
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Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
become ungovernable
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
pelicons
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire