My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
You Might Also Like
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Just a phase…
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic