Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
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Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?