car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
You Might Also Like
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
These aliens are taking forever.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.