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I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any