Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
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your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars