When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
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Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
Lmfao
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally