If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
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I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free