DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
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Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
Rich people don’t understand cereal
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.