Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
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Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
classic mixup
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.