As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
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Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
is it earth
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?