Love is in the air fryer.
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Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.