I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
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Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Yes my dude