Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
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Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
Print is alive and well!!!
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.