Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
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[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
japanese corn
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.