PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You鈥檙e my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 馃憦 dating app 馃憦 ever
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TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: 鈥 guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn鈥檛 even born until 1968
If I ever pass out, don鈥檛 come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of J盲germeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what鈥檚 the shell on my back for?
God: that鈥檚 where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Unicorn: why can鈥檛 you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it鈥檚 too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you鈥檙e right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that鈥檚 a tooth.
It鈥檚 so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must鈥檝e been sleep wokking again.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products