83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
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Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Who.
Did.
This?
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.