With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
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I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind