Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
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“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.