If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
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“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend