It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
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Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.