Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
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Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
checking out some reviews of my local library
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
iPhone X
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
next level snooze
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?