this FaceApp is creepy af
You Might Also Like
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters