You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
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I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…