I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
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i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
me
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Finished stitching this today 😇
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
My birthstone is a marshmallow