Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
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angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live