Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
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#BostonBlizzard2015
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Mornin
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee