I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
You Might Also Like
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night