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Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….