I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
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Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
My dryer is celebrating lint.