*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
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Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess