DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
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[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.