[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
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I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though